This is about an untenable grief. The kind no one talks about.
“Just write”, she said. “Don’t worry about what it will look like; that comes later”. So…I write to connect all of us isolated in brokenness. I write to write myself out of profound sadness. Some griefs seem too big to bear so I write to reach my hand out to those who know, because you have wandered this landscape. In the depths, empathy and recognition of another soul’s rip tide can be balm.
Dropping out of denial creates a second breakage. What follows is messy, mixed-up and hard to grasp. “All the King’s horses and all the kings men…”
I don’t want to write about this because will mean living in terrible feelings. And yet – is there any other way?
Let’s talk about denial for a bit until I get my bearings. Denial makes all things seem right again. It’s pretty. If I don’t look at what happened, all is well, all will be well. Denial is like an anti-depressant before it stops working: it provides rest and recuperation. In the end, though, its veneer seals out nourishment from real human connection and creates its own form of isolation. Underneath, the silent gnawing continues.
My Kindle was my denial home. With a sickening crack, it was wrecked in a split second – like my daughter’s head when she sustained the most severe brain trauma from being hit head-on, at highway speed, by a drunk. Her scholarship for the highest marks in her journalism class crashed into the mud along with countless other markers of her young and happy life.
I could have kept reading, living in a cozy, pretend world in which I tried to control outcomes to eliminate what I didn’t want to examine; a world where I tried to influence my daughter to be more like her old self. “You could try this” or “that”…desperate gropings cleverly masked as “help”. Although her recovery has been miraculous, my wanting her to be the person she left behind must have been a significant stress. “Stretch”, I would say in my denial, and this became one more thing for her to fend off. The wrench is that being determined herself, and wanting to be fully recovered, she would try, and keep on trying. Denial is not benign…it can do damage.
Thank goodness the crack in my Kindle split my hermetic seal.
A dream nudged me in the darkness, offering cryptic wisdom. Riding on a dark train, my companions were upset when the train turned back from its destination to “Swift Current”. My fellow travelers shared a love of the intellect and the dream spoke from a deeper level: ‘you cannot get there from here’, the symbolism declared; ‘in this world of ideas and problem solving, there is no mending; you will not make it to Swift Current’.
The dream called me to a level where brokenness begets healing…eventually. Knowing this did nothing to assuage the feelings that shredded me, and, the shredding began the healing. Sometimes all that is needed Is recognition and acknowledgement: a day of feeling what we have denied for so long. Sometimes our path takes months and we wonder if it will ever end.
We do not have to linger but only we, ourselves, can determine the length of stay. The journey has a few hazards. Friends who unknowingly try to cheer us are jarring; the doctor who refills our prescription for anti-depressants keeps us in limbo. As in all things, dreadful feelings shift if we spend time honouring their messiness. A phoenix rising can be swift. When that happens, the spirit can quiet, as our inner landscape steeps a deeper compassion and wisdom.
Gradually, my daughter and I are coming to terms with the lurch in our world, free of the false promise of anti-depressants. Advice from an unexpected quarter inspired me to give voice to this journey. It was my “brain- healing” daughter who told me to write and not worry about the outcome.
just one previous photo that you may recognize
A camera was likely to jog memory when very little remained. First photo on first days sitting up.
Want to get something done? In a rut? Turn your boring list of goals (if you even have one) into a vibrant, encouraging collage of images.
Vision boards are total magic. About a month ago, a friend and I created vision boards to cure our flagging sense of direction. Since then, I’ve written 2200 words towards a book, found huge encouragement in a friend and been shown a path toward possible publication.
I think they entrain both sides of the brain while reminding us of our dreams whenever we look at them. Sinking images into the powerful subconscious increases focus and begins to form an attractor field that uncannily moves us toward our dreams. It’s fun too – cutting and pasting takes us back to play - just like being in kindergarten.
Who has been experiencing extreme emotional intensity of late? Life taking you to the very edge? I know a few, myself included.
It’s day whatever in the Mayan Calendar (close to the 11th hour) - October 28 is significant. Seems they knew about this over 1000 years ago. To be actually experiencing this final push to the next level is quite another thing than reading about it though – as you may have discovered.
Well, a re-fit just dropped in this morning and the client (her permission given to write about this) experienced looking at life calmly from the top of a mountain or a tree – seeing only clear blue sky with the turmoil beneath her, far away. It was just in time.
(photo: Doran Yount)
Wouldn’t that be nice? Help is at hand.
Each chakra got a diamond insert into it’s Core. This lifts you out of the emotional swamp and allows you to view whatever is taking place from a higher perspective, well away from the fray. It’s called “Diamond on the Leading Edge of the Wave”.
WHY does this work – this energy thing I do? WHY does it work on animals who have no preconceived notions?
Whereas allopathic medicine works primarily only on two frequency bands: the physical and the mental, healing on the energy level can rectify conditions that conventional medicine cannot because it works on multiple levels of the frequency template. Every living thing carries “a field” of frequency bands, corresponding to various nuances of their being – bodies, thoughts, emotions, spiritual yearnings and beliefs. This has been recorded in double blind situations (read “The Field” by Lynn McTaggart). Each Level influences the adjacent one, meaning that roots and influences exist in many levels, all of which need to be addressed. The more levels you can access while staying grounded, the greater the power of that healing.
Animals have no pre-conceived notions about effectiveness. and animals have free access to all levels without interference from beliefs. Thus their bodies move easily into rapid self-healing, once the energy template is adjusted.
The rub comes from humans who have no wish to access realms beyond the cognitive (mental level). Because “non-believers” have no experience in these other levels, they call them hogwash or “irrational”. Their beliefs block any benefit, thus reinforcing their notion that this is chicanery. It matters not that their neighbour just experienced enormous benefit (“must be the placebo effect”). “Hah!” Say the doctors and the scientists – “results are inconclusive; therefore, we do not “believe” it works”. That word again – a wall of static interference, as strong as denial itself.
I can tell you that results do not come from placebo. Dogs are not open to placebo effects. I do not penetrate their minds with the idea that this will cure their leg or their throat! In humans, placebos open the denial – exposing another level to the notion of healing. This certainly helps! But much is possible beyond placebo.
I am able to feel the energy changing tissue – the difference before and after - and my clients and I witness the results. Whether it is loosening muscle or growing cartilage or knitting bone, results are palpable. My sensitive clients can feel the changes while in the process and later: physical sensations of tissue changing. Runners run again on knees that previously failed them; searing pain disappears from a gut with lesions; a bone heals in half the time, a woman with Crohn’s leaves the office with her inflammation calmed.
Trying it will do no harm and may bring you the relief you are seeking. In 17 years, 90% of clients experience some benefit; sometimes a cure. A pharmacist, age 65, told me this past summer that after I worked on his back 10 years ago, the trouble never recurred. It doesn’t get better than that.
Some people are frustrated by seeking an explanation of how certain energetic modalities work and finding “no proof”. I can only speak for my own area of expertise. What follows is my attempt at closing that gap in understanding.
People seeking scientific proof, in general, want the concrete. Laws of Newtonian physics work on a concrete level – where physical reality is dominant. These laws, however, don’t apply to quantum physics or the energetic level. Different laws apply at different levels of reality. Knowing that a particle is also a wave, as is the case at the quantum level, is too complicated for most of us. Hence, they don’t get what they are looking for.
So what is the energetic level, anyway? Vibes. Want to know any more?
The energetic level comprises all the layers that make us human and that cannot be felt as solid. That takes in emotions, thoughts, spiritual longings and experiences, plus experiences beyond the normal range, such as ghosts or angels.
Each of these levels has a particular frequency (think back to high school science) vibrating at a rate beyond that of the body. They exist on a continuum, the slowest (and densest) being a template for the physical body. Beyond that, lie the emotions, and so on until we reach the limit of our personal “energy field” or “aura”.
All matter vibrates. It’s a question of frequency that determines whether people can touch or hear it. When you walk into a room where people have been arguing, it is said that you can “cut the air with a knife”. The emotion has literally thickened the air around the participants and people can feel it. When two people are attracted, you can sometimes feel the electricity in the air. This is a less dense level. Since the 60′s, people have been talking about vibes. Energy healing works with them.
At the quantum level, if you want to find a particle, you will find one; if you want to find a wave, in that same iota of matter, you will also find that. My experience tells me that this happens because matter, on this energetic level, is very fluid and fine, like thickened air, able to be influenced merely by our mind’s directives. Those people who have flying dreams are well acquainted with this feeling. At the level of reality where the experimenter has been found to affect the experiment with his or her intention, matter can change with intent alone.
This means that I can energetically penetrate skin, bone, tissue of all kinds and affect the physical functioning of that tissue. The results are very real. After a treatment, the energetic matrix gels…coalesces, the way connective tissue gradually turns into bone, except at a finer level.
Runners have told me that they can run on an injured knee again after only one or two sessions; backs straighten, when all the physio in the world wasn’t able to produce the same result; hips come back into alignment, easing pain that has been present for months. The results are definitely concrete whether or not there are scientific instruments calibrated finely enough to measure what is happening.
Tissues reveal their secrets to me sometimes, when I contact them deeply. Something amazing was revealed to me the other day as I was working with some tough scar tissue. I clearly saw the layering that had informed it from it’s inception.
The Buddhists would call it Buddha Nature; the Kabbalists, Divine Spark. By whatever name, it is our fundamental CORE. That’s where it all starts and ends. Out of this basic emptiness, the ground of being that is both empty and full of potential, I saw the threads of the spirit level begin to coalesce. The mental level then added it’s particular resonance, making the potential denser. Dropping into density, the emotional component created greater complexity – like the weave of a plaid – until a physical manifestation developed.
In lightening our”selves” in sync with the coming paradigm, we now have the choice to let go of each of these levels of manifestation. Letting go of the mental level won’t do it, until we can attend to the stickiness of the emotional element. This is where forgiveness comes in and stopping all judgement. Anybody there yet???
I was loosening someone’s block in the neck one day when I suddenly saw/felt a whole new piece of the puzzle of incarnation. I saw that when babies move down the birth canal, the turning of their heads is vital to unlocking the energy channel, allowing their spirit to fully enter their bodies. A child experiencing a caesarean birth misses this unlocking. Some of their spirit is then trapped in their heads or the spirit world, unable to incarnate fully. Unless they have some osteopathic or cranial sacral intervention this “ungrounded” state can remain for a lifetime. The person I was working with had terrible trouble being “grounded” and a baby I worked with several months ago, had similar neck issues that needed “unwinding”; she was a caesarean birth too.
A recent book called Daughters of the Grail describes how a woman healer of the middle ages accomplished distant healing. Veiled in mystery and glamour, it described something quite similar to what I do. Over the years, people have asked about it. I don’t think there is a formula.
I begin by invoking sacred space and connection. After this I clear all my chakras from the bottom up and the top down. Then, well grounded, I lift up out of my body and travel to wherever I need to go. I am always guided to the right place even if I’ve never met the person or been to that part of the world. My first test was L.A.!! Fortunately we had physical proof that the treatment worked.
So, I’m actually in my energy body, in the space where you are, working as if you were in my office. When it’s over, I lift up and out; point myself homeward and land in my body, in my office. After all these years, I simply trust that I’m in the right place, as I always have been.
It does take more out of me than a regular treatment. Must be the jet lag of all those miles!
Nearing Regina, extending to the Manitoba border, big agro assaults you. The tableland has been entirely given over to vast operations where nary a human vestige can be found. Only transports ply the highway east of Regina. Three miles north of the Trans Canada heading towards the jewel of the Qu’appelle Valley, I looked around 360 degrees and could see not a house, not a tree, not a haystack, not a bail – round or square, not even a car: nada. Is this where Al Gore’s predictions have come true? Vast poisoned land with nary a bird?
To my huge relief, human scale returned, along with water, as hedges and marshes defined the prairie of southern Manitoba. Ahhh, some ducks and geese at last! Little towns, little farms, trucks, friendly people to chat to…A dinky toy scale world that I cherished, a world where community wrapped you in warmth at the corner gas station. I soaked my roots in the area where my great grandfather pulled oxen from a swamp full of mosquitos.
In the history of the open land, the women often went mad, alone on those unending stretches with no other farmhouse in sight. Scale affects our well being, as any architect knows…
A blessing for YOU with grateful thanks…
